The Ladder Theory part III- Construction of the Ladder

 Now for the core of the theory. Since everyone you meet has a rating, it is only natural to stack them up on a ladder. Let's look at the ladder of some example man.

So it should be self-evident if you are following this at all, that the people you want to have sex with the most will be at the top of the ladder. Descending to the bottom of the ladder we pass the following people:

1.     The people we really want, who may even be out of our league, are on top.

2.     Then come the people we like.

3.     Moving further down we pass the people who we would fuck if we were intoxicated and would admit to doing it later.

4.     At the bottom are the people we would fuck drunk, and would lie about doing it later.

Clinging to the bottom are the girls that are wolf ugly. These are women so ugly you would chew your arm off to get away rather than fuck them. Usually, fake teeth or the loss of several hundred pounds can move a woman up from wolf ugly.

Now let's take a look at what the typical woman's ladder looks like:

The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one, but two ladders. This is because in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends' ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.

The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously, there is a huge difference or gap between these two ladders. It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends' ladder to the real ladder. The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder (I got lucky and just sent back to the friends ladder, but don't count on it). If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss (what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course, utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.

To fully illustrate the point I'll now examine some common scenarios and their ladder theory explanations. For purposes of these examples, Tom will be our boy and Jane will be our girl.

Scenario 1: Tom meets Jane. She's pretty and seems interesting to talk to. Tom and Jane start hanging out and talking more and more. Tom develops an attraction to Jane, and one day tries to kiss her. Jane tells Tom she doesn't think of him that way and she wants to remain friends. The next few weeks contact between the two falls off. Jane starts fucking an outlaw biker.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Tom met Jane. Tom was immediately placed on the friends' ladder. Tom didn't know this. Tom tried to jump ladders. Jane kicked Tom in the head rather than let him on and sent him hurtling to the Abyss below. The outlaw biker was not on her friends' ladder (they never are) but rather on her good ladder.

Scenario 2: Tom meets Jane. She's cute and seems smart. After an appropriate amount of time, he asks her out on a date. She accepts and they have what seems to be a perfectly nice date. Tom thinks he has a chance with Jane. He asks her out again. She says no, either explicitly or by never returning his phone call (had this one also happened to me). Tom has no idea what the Hell just happened. Jane starts fucking an unemployed alcoholic.

Ladder Theory Explanation: Jane misrepresented which ladder Tom was on. He thought he was on the good ladder because she accepted the date. Mistake. This led to an unintentional ladder jump. He was kicked into the Abyss. In this situation, Jane often wants to stay friends because you are so interesting and funny or some shit like that. If this happens you are most likely an Intellectual Whore (she didn't, though I kind of wish she had, I may be a bit masochistic). I'm sorry. This is most likely to be a ninja-bitch.

Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:

• "You're like a brother to me"
• "You're like a big teddy bear"
• "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
• "You're so nice"
• "Can you help me with my homework"

Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.

    You can see that a lot of problems can be avoided (though sadly not problem two) by declaring as soon as possible to a girl that you will not be friends under any circumstances. You can explain that she is too attractive or you can be blunt and say you don't want to bend your "friends" over a table and fuck them, but would rather play poker and go to the races with them, thus disqualifying her from friendship. As long as you are clear. This may scare a girl away. But if it does what would you want with such a skittish little twit anyway?

Next, we'll explore some of the consequences of the ladder and its applications in everyday life.

 

Hidden Variables in the Ladder

    The Ladder Theory is assumed to be correct for all classical phenomena. There do seem to be some "hidden" variables that modify the Ladder to some extent. These variables do not affect the rating system, nor do they affect the fundamental theorems of the Ladder. They do, however, modify how we act concerning the Ladder.

These are the hidden variables that have been identified.

Religiosity:

While most people, even people who believe in God, will have sex before they are married and thus fall under the rules of the ladder, some people are so religious they will not have sex until they are married. This is of course a silly and anachronistic practice, but it does occur. In this case, the Ladder should be modified as follows: change instances of 'would have sex with' to 'would like to have sex with.' This works because while religious people have the same impulses, they choose to deny them as opposed to embracing them.

Drunkenness:

Of course, when drunk we do things we wouldn't do otherwise. Usually, when sobriety sets in, there is a return to the tenets of the ladder theory. In most cases, it should be noted, that repressed Americans use being drunk as an excuse to do what they want to do anyway, so one should be very careful in applying this variable. For example, I'm drunk as I type this, but I would have typed it anyway, even though I might fall back on that excuse if there are a lot of typos in there or it doesn't stand up to peer review. Do not let me get away with this.

Loyalty:

    A lot of people have asked about the significant others of friends and if they are special cases of the Ladder. They are not. These are not your friends. These are virtual friends. For example, a friend of mine is fucking a girl. I like her, she's great, we get along, etc... But when they break up she is dead to me. Or if the friend leaves the picture the normal rules of the Ladder apply. So are we really friends? Of course not. We are conditional friends. This does not affect where she goes on the Ladder. Think of it like this: the Ladder is a rating system, and I'll rate her along with everyone else based on how much I would like to fuck them. A note for guys: if your friend's girl offers you a piece you should hit that shit because he shouldn't be laying up with no ho. Ideally, you should tape it also, because most guys will believe the person they're fucking.

Desperation:

    What desperation does is shift downward the line of quality that one would consider for fucking. There is a line on the ladder that is the quality of the last person you were fucking. Since one of the purposes of life, if not the purpose, is to move up the ladder, you want someone above this line. Sometimes you can't find someone above this line. This leads to a virtual shift in the line downward as one gets more and more in need of a fuck. But in terms of what a person wants, nothing changes -- you'd leave your desperation fuck for someone else with the requisite ladder attributes.

Hidden Variables and Sanity

    Note that all known hidden variables are indicative of an altered consciousness of some kind. At the 'limit of sanity,' the Classical ladder's rating system still applies. So I don't feel that these change the core theory, but explain times when the theory is not able to be applied because your perception is wrong.

 

Back to the Beginning: Yes Virginia, They All Want to Bang You.

You'll note that a man has one ladder while a female has two. The man is lacking a "friends ladder." The man's ladder reflects the conventional wisdom that a man generally only wants one thing. That's because the conventional wisdom is correct. This leads us back to the conclusion that many women I have explained this to find so distasteful:

IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CAN NOT BE FRIENDS

    Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:

1.     The guy is gay

2.     The guy does not find you attractive.

3.     The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder

    Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criteria on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:

1.     Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.

2.     Comply

Remember this only works if you are honest with yourself. Number one is of course something that guys hear all the time. Intellectual Whores refer to it as the Kiss of Death. It is more likely that he will jump you eagerly.