Why good guys don't get the girl

 

    

Listen to Meat Loaf-Two out of three ain't bad

    Yesterday I was reading some emails I had exchanged with an ex-girlfriend trying to understand why it hadn't worked and not 10 minutes later I saw a FB story of this quote highlighted in the book :

You mustn't be angry with me. One can't help these things. I remember that I thought you wicked and cruel because you did this, that, and the other; but it was very silly of me. You didn't love me, and it was absurd to blame you for that. I thought I could make you love me, but I know now that was impossible. I don't know what it is that makes someone love you, but whatever it is, it's the only thing that matters, and if it isn't there you won't create it by kindness, or generosity, or anything of that sort."  W. Somerset Maugham: Of Human Bondage

    Nearly 100 years had passed from the time those lines were written until my situation came about and they described my situation perfectly. Took me another 17 years to visualise and articulate the situation that way too, even if deep down I had already come to terms with this realisation long before. 

    What basically happened was that I was the "nice guy", trying to be sympathetic, listening, generous and catering to her wishes and hoping this was what she wanted. And she appreciated all that, they all do for a while. But the problem is that "nice guys" usually try to cover up something that's missing, meaning self-confidence. The kind of self-confidence that "outlaw bikers" in the ladder theory have, the kind that makes action movie heroes seem like beta males and that makes women bite their lower lip when they see it. I'll admit that right from the beginning she saw I didn't have that and tried to encourage me to display it or fake it if I didn't have it at least, but infatuated men rarely have ears open to advice, if even it's sound advice that gets them closer to their target. 

    In the end, she broke it off abruptly(but not definitively, maybe more about that later) as she simply decided that the butterflies in her stomach weren't there and I wasn't to be the father of her children,   Something which is probably for the better, as I hadn't seen myself that way either, focusing more on present pleasure rather than future fulfilment. Had I been that self-confident, I would also have probably been more aloof and for sure proud, maybe had thought of myself as deserving better than her and it would have never happened?  Would it have worked and she would have loved me back? I don't know, and I don't want to find out. She was a stepping stone, she gave me the experiences (both good and bad) to make it my following relationship with the one that was to become my wife and mother of my child, the one I want to grow old with. 

    As with any breakup, I was angry, bitter, feeling like I was cheated somehow, not given a chance to show my worth. In a few months, I would learn that her ex contacted her and she became all giddy with the prospect of getting back together with him, hence the lame explanation received and that got me angry once more (I had very abruptly refused my ex at that time after she cried in my arms for an hour saying she wanted a chance to love me because I believed I had a chance at love with my then new girlfriend).  Incidentally, just like Meatloaf's muse, she did want to see and talk to me after the breakup, and for a while, I did believe two out of three wasn't bad, but that's a story for another article. 

    Also yesterday, a few brief hours after seeing this quote, FB showed me some reel from a local "influencer" saying that omen want: " a nice guy that's good in bed, basically treats the right, listens to them, is kind and generous, but also confident, experienced etc". I love unicorns too, I've actually met a 1.8-meter-tall gorgeous female model who was intelligent and with a razor-sharp wit but she probably had her fair share of issues too. I would have thought she was out of my league, but a friend briefly dated her for a few months (even if he wasn't Brad Pitt gorgeous with Elon Musk money) so things like that happen. But on the whole, I would tend to think that confident nice guys are the exception rather than the rule and the most confident men are in the "outlaw biker" category, the nice guys just being nice as a way of covering up for their insecurity and/or lack of experience. 

    We already know that men go into a relationship hoping the woman will not change and women do the exact opposite, starting a relationship hoping to mould the man to her expectations of the perfect spouse/mate. So then, why aren't more women up to the task of taking the "nice guy" and building him up to the standard they desire (my ex sure tried and to a point succeeded, I  should thank her for that)? Surely it's a better experience than trying to tame the "outlaw biker" (doubt that ever works)? Is the immediate gratification of good sex better than a longer relationship with mutual trust and development (oups, I think I may have been guilty of the same at that time)? 

   May you be loved!