Why being lonely sucks and how to solve

 

    If link doesn't work, listen to the Backstreet Boys -Show me the meaning of being lonely

Another Reddit inspired post, this one is about people asking : I am feeling lonely, what should I do? 

Most answers on there fall into one of 2 categories:

1) The new age hippies with you must learn to love yourself, your happiness doesn't depend on others etc

2) Normal people that suggest dating (live or online ), self-improvement in order to be more attractive etc.

If you've read a few of my posts on here,  you'll already know where I stand. But just to give some insight why I think most humans are social beings by design and not meant to live alone, here are a few facts:

1)Oldest healed bone fractures found on a  human skeleton date back 130 000 years. This means somebody took care of that poor bastard while his bones healed, otherwise, not being able to get food , water, shelter he would have died before they healed

2) For thousands of years, solitude was a form of penitence. Solitary confinement in jail is a form of punishment. Monks of different religions isolate themselves from wordly temptation in order to meditate or dedicate their life solely to their God, it's a sacrifice not a delight

3) The simple fact that people feel uncomfortable being estranged means that their very nature of the person they will seek human interaction

    That being said, I think it's obvious why" rejoice in your solitude" isn't a very helpful answer for most people. Sure, we all need some moments alone, but we also need human interaction to feel happy. There will be some people that feel happier without this human interaction ( just google for "hikkikomori"), but those will be a very rare exception rather than a rule. 

        I remember well some of my summers, school holidays when most of my schoolmates went away to see their grandparents out of town, and I was left alone most of the time, my parents working with only books for company. Having poor social skills also meant I wouldn't have been able to make new friends in a park or playground either, so that left me with myopic astigmatism by 16 from all the books I read in the worst positions possible. Therefore, I know really well how it feels to not have someone to share joy, sorrow, a good book recommendation or to ask an opinion when you don't know what to do and family isn't really the specific answer you need. 

     The only way I got out was by being the introverted friend an extroverted friend adopted and added to his friends circle, who in term accepted and supported me through thick and thin. More on this though later. 

        Compounding the problem is the fact you most likely need at least 3 people to fill the void;

1) A BFF, normally same sex as you with similar interests in hobbies, sports etc. Somebody to play football or tennis, comment on your favourite football team's game etc

2) A second friend of the opposite sex, offering a different and much needed point of view on some issues compared to BFF nr1

3) And this is where it gets tricky, a romantic interest. Try not to make nr 1 or nr2 into this , sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't, and you may also lose the friend while still being single.

Obviously, positions nr 1 and 2 can be filled by a number of people, even nr 3 if you're in some countries, but I wouldn't recommend it. Actually, the more, the merrier, the bigger the chance someone will see thing your way and support you or have the experience or skills needed to get you past a tricky situation.  

  Now, requirements established, how do you go about making these new friends? Obviously, extroverts don't need advice and could actually dish it out better than myself, for those introverts, keep reading. 

    You can obviously try meeting people in the real world. Ask you can share a park bench or a bistro table, a basketball court, strike up a conversation and see from there. But that's intimidating, I know. The second way is using the interweb. Sure, there are apps for finding friends to "hang out" but the less dangerous way is to head to an internet forum. Get to know the people there, what they post think, discuss there. Once you're friendly enough on there, try to move on to having a beer in real life. My best friend and I met like that more than 2 decades ago. 

    Third way would be to try to hang on to people you already have to talk to: schoolmates and work colleagues. I can say I've made plenty of meaningful connections that way, ones that end up with mate night drinking shifts and sharing of personal information :)

     For nr3, I guess it's enough material for a separate post. 

May you be loved and surrounded by meaningful friendships!