Thinking out loud

If the link fails, listen to Chesney hawkes I am the one and only  They say great minds think alike. I'm probably  not a great mind, but while reading Milan Kundera's Impossible lighness of being  I came upon this quote "“Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).” This was probably written before I was born, but I do believe it's more or less on the same page as I was rambling about in my previous post  What's the deal with loosing your virginity

 In case the youtube link dies, listen to Carelss Whisper-George Michael  It'a revisit of this earlier post that was prompted by reading  is Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by  Willard F. Harley Jr. and the the chapter on the most important emotional needs "Conversation  Unlike sex, conversation is not a need that can be met exclusively in marriage. Our need for conversation can be ethically met by almost anyone. B ut if it is one of your most important emotional needs, whoever meets it best will deposit so many love units, you may fall in love with that person. So if it's your need, be sure that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often. Men andwomen don't have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That's a time of information gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other's likes and dislikes, personal background, current interests, and plans for the future. But after...

  If the youtube link fails, listen to Pink-Just give me a reason I suppose this is a folow up of this post https://howtobeinadultrelationships.blogspot.com/2025/12/elements-of-psychology-should-be-taught.html Even if you know a bit about psichology, that onne usualy focuses on a single personn annd ther traits annd problems in relation with the enviroment aorund them, not necesarily about how people behave when in a romantc relationship (or an amicable one for that). Imagine how cool would be to teach teenagers that in highschool? But we don't (or at least not anuwhere that  know of we don't). So how do we learn about how to behave in a relationship? Obvously, for those lucky enough to have them, from watching our parents. Sometimes I get scared myself on how much I mirror my father's vehaviour towards my mother , probaby because I'm looking at the "bad habits" but now that I actively svan it, I supose I'm also replicatinng some of the good ones.      On ...

     I'm old enough to remember Facebook (even though I resisted getting an account )  that only showed updates from your contacts. But with the advent of ads and the need to retain users watching those adds, FB started showing "suggested posts" from people or groups you didn't know. Since rage is apparently the best emotion to keep you engaged, almost all the algorithms will try to show content that will do that. I see it on Facebook and Reddit (don't have an X account), not so much on Youtube or Instagram, and it's basically showing you a whole lot of people doing things wrong or from the opposite side of your political spectrum so you can correct them or explain they are wrong. This, of course, doesn't end well, as people are naturally resistant to being told they are wrong, and some, with a certain level of education or below will even lash out if told a truth that inconveniences their beliefs. Unsettling, I know, but because you write more on this typ...

 So I asked Chat GPT (don't we all) what a midlife crisis in men and this is what he came up with. My comments below.  . What Is a Midlife Crisis? A midlife crisis is a period of emotional turmoil or deep self-reflection that some men experience, typically between their late 30s and mid-50s. It is often triggered by the realization that life is finite and that certain goals, identities, or dreams may no longer be attainable—or may need to be redefined. Importantly, not all men experience a midlife crisis. For many, midlife is a time of stability or growth. The term describes a pattern of responses rather than an inevitable life stage. Now that I think of it, I did see this in some men.My brother had 2 motorcycles in is 30s, he quit for a while, in hid 40s bought a dirt bike than a second bigger one. Another firend bought a scooter (also used to have one when he was younger). It was a 400cc big Yamaha majesty just so "it would be harder to steal). Wouldn't mind a conve...

  If the YouTube link fails, listen to Ed Sheeran's Photograph. It took me this long to learn that each time you access a memory, you alter it a little. That's why over time and with enough accessing, you wind up deleting the bad parts of a relationship and only keep the good (or vice versa). In times before Social media and even TV, people used to spedn some time writing down their actions during their day, emotions, what happened to them. Tried a few times as a kid, nobody explained that emotions and human interactions were more important than homework subjects or what I ate so it didn't last.     I would have loved today to look back on those and try to understand why some of the things I do today are shaped by what I did or felt back then; I'm lucky enough that some conversations from an important part of my life (formative, one might say) and I'm only now realisng some stuff by re re reading them. Journaling would be a way to store for tommrow what you felt and...

If the Video link fails, Listen to Beyoncé – If I were a boy      I'm in my 4th decade of life, and I have been learning all my life. From learning to tie my shoelaces, to learning to read, to learning to debate or how to calculate the kinetic energy of a car based on the deformations after a crash, I have been learning. Not all that I have been learning was part of the school curriculum or my work-related goals. For example, I only started reading romance novels a few years ago in the interest of documenting a project. Yes, they are not psychology, yet they do give a window on how women wish love to work (most being written by women for women). Ah, the things I would have done differently had I red some of those in my adolescent years...        I have in my time learned about operating an AKM, a lathe, and a whisky still, how to build a composite boat hull; or how a sewing machine works. Some info was "maybe uusefull in the future, you do...

if thr link stops working, listen to Linkin Park in the end       My job is to make cars safer for passengers, as well as for other road users (pedestrians, cyclists) who can be hit by them. I live in the country with the highest number of road fatalities in the European Union. Yesterday we had a meeting with firefighters who specialise in extrication, trying to find ways to help them save more people. Everything went well until the moment we left. I was the last of the three cars to depart. We arrived a few minutes after a woman had been killed on a pedestrian crossing by a truck plowing into a stopped car. One of her feet was gone, but the lack of blood told me she had died at the moment of impact.her husband right beside her narowly escaped. The road is a two-lane dual carriageway with a concrete divider. The speed limit drops from 70 to 30 km/h for the pedestrian crossing, and there’s a raised bend plus an intersection — but no one slows down. (I pass there at l...

  Listen to Hans Zimmer- time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c56t7upa8Bk Here’s a talk I wish I had with my father. It didn’t happen because I never asked, but maybe one day I’ll have it with my son. Or I’ll just give him this link when the time comes. – Why does it hurt so much when a girl rejects me? – Because you think her “no” defines your worth. But it only reflects her choice at that moment, not your value. – How come? I want her to like me! – Look at this toolbox. Do you see that pair of pliers? – Yes, sure. They’re brand new. – Do you think they’d do a good job pulling out a nail? – Of course, they’d be perfect for that! – But what if you need to drive a nail with a hammer? Would the pliers be any less valuable? – No, of course not! – Exactly. It’s the same with you. – But I feel embarrassed and small, inadequate. – That’s just your ego bruised, not your spirit. Girls don’t reject you to harm you. They’re simply being true to their feelings. Respect that. Stop b...

  Not a metaphore, just leaving this here as I'll need it later. You're welcome to use it iif you need it , of course :)

 When I first saw her, my first impression was  she was small, weak and had a lot of scars from previous experiences. Her trunk barely fit all of my junk, and her mileage looked quite high for her age.  Once inside, she didn't feel that tight though, it was roomy enough. Getting used to her was a pain as well, nothing was where I was used to finding it. She reacted badly if I didn't do stuff in the order she wanted, and my existing accessories didn't fit her at all.       Since there wasn't any choice, I tried to make do and immediately had to turn back as i couldn't go anywhere without her cooperation. 10 euro for a 15 min detour but at last I managed to get something working at least partially. A shopping visit for a more appropriate accessory that fitted her got me in a better mood.      A week passed by, we got used to each other bit by bit. Cruising together was getting more enjoyable as I learned how she wanted to be handled. Her s...

Listen to Green day American Idiot  The following events took place a while ago in a small nation quite a distance away from the USA.  An acquaintance of mine from work (used to call him a friend, but he proved that assumption wrong a few times) is by all measures an intelligent and connected man. He watches the news, reads history books, is aware of current political issues both domestic as well as global, is a self confessed progresist and atheists.       During the first turn of presidential elections he supported the right wing proeuropean candidate as much as all of us in that circle did He was as amazed as we all were when the left wing sovereign current candidate came from nowhere to take second place and a place in the second turn. He didn't seem at all concerned about the candidate in question claiming he spent 0 money on the campaign, despite thousands of tik tok videos (and 0 TV or newspaper adds). As suspicion began to rise the acquaintance in q...

Listen to Joe Dassin Et si Tu n'existais pas  I was 24 when I met my future wife at the time, and I've never been unfaithful, neither to her or to anyone else before her.    At 41 I have realised I have never really ever conquered a woman. Reading the tales of the Vicomte de Valmont in Les Liaisons dangereuses, a book really most teenagers should read (I only just started it) and I come to the conclusion that I've never been the one to conquer a woman. Books, songs, movies they all tell us that the man is the conqueror and the woman is the citadel warding off suitors. I guess nobody told my girlfriends that, as looking back on it, it was mostly their decision that they chose me and when they chose to take it further.     I may as well admit I was blind as a bat in some occasions, needing to be led by the hand and all but I suppose it's a case of God looking out for the ones that can't look out for themselves. Do I regret it? No, I do not, as on the other ha...

If the link dies, listen to Joni Mitchell Both sides now  Just finished Graeme Simsion's "The best of Adam Sharp". To say I find myself in the main character and his story (an old love from 22 years before pops up in his email) is an understatement. While what happens afterwards will be far from my reality at least, some of his thoughts are my own as well.    First of all, he feels that even talking to his former lover is a form of affair because he feels it needs to be kept secret from his current partner.    Second, how certain songs punctuated their story and where shortcuts to those memories they had together. Happy to hear I did that 10 years before the book came out.  Most important though, it's his realisation that his current partner is fighting against a memory. The Angela in his mind is 23, the real one is 45 and has 3 kids.. You can't fight a memory. Or you shouldn't at least. It's good to have memories, but they don't keep you warm at night...

  If link fails, listen to John Lenon Imagine  Bit of a rant coming, brace yourself.  I have this one "acquaintance" that constantly feels he is in some way superior or better thanks to his convictions. He is a self confessed progressist and atheist and he constantly likes to remind us how much better he is compared to a religious person or a conservative person. He doesn't do shit to improve the world around him other than talk to whoever will listen to his ideas , doesn't help anyone (other than a 2 euro per month donation to a charity building a hospital which he seems to think is a pinnacle of humanity, even if he could easily afford 100 times that). Used to be pissed off by his self appreciation, tried explaining the problem to him but it's pointless.    In short, if you want respect (at least mine) do something to make the world better, take away some suffering, help, leave something behind other than words.     I finaly gave up and after pr...

 https://youtu.be/uy7ZRRDkWw4?si=mXc3jNyaqFzQhc7S Listen to   Tchaikovsky, Pyotr Ilyich: The Seasons, Op. 37a No. 6 June "Barcarolle " 17 years after the events in my life happened, I've red Feodor Dostoyevsky's White Nights and realised a number of similarities to my own experiences: 1 main character outright describes himself as a dreamer. I was a dreamer, both in my own head and by any independent view of my thoughts at the time 2 main male character meets the main female character Nastenka on the anniversary of 1 year of her love story. I first talked to mine on her 2 year anniversary of her love story.  3 Both myself and the main character were warned about falling in love with the main female character. Ok, I wasn't forbidden to do that, but close enough  4 In both stories the main female character gets very excited on the sight of her original love interest to the point of completely loosing sight of the other person by their side (this one was the trigger ...

 She says Pablo Alboran Perodname He answers with Pablo Alborán - Si hubieras querido  I spent 17.5 years thinking I failed because she didn't love me. Because she didn't love me how I dreamed I wanted to be loved.  But even after she made it (painfully) clear I wasn't to be the father of her children, she still wanted to be around me. She still wanted to make me better, as I also wanted the same for her, to make her be the best version of herself possible.  What is love if it's not wanting all the best for the other person? If love is being so altruistic that the other person's happiness comes before yours, that you are happy they have found their better half, then it was love. It wasn't what I wanted, but she was honestly happy for me and I was happy for her, than that makes it love. 

  If the link doesn't work, listen to Jacques Brel VESOUL     Perfection is nowhere to be seen in human relationships, and in this case it means that sometimes you don't get exactly what you want, and neither does your partner. A good compromise would mean that you each get at least a part of what you want. A bad one means, like Brel you get nothing and the other one gets what they want (he wanted to see her sister but  they saw her mum). I suppose there are the disastrous compromises where no one get what they want, but I suspect those may be so rare we'll call them an exception.      My whole job is reaching compromises in order for things to  work out for all stakeholders. I'm not the best at it but decent enough. I wish I was at least half as good at it in my own relationship. I'm not really much the one for conflict, even if I'm probably not a people pleaser, but at home at least I more often than not  choose the path of least resistance...

  If the link doesn't work, listen to Bill Withers -Lean on me           Last weekend I've met up with some friends I've known for half my life at this point. Life, children, work have kept us busy so we probably haven't seen each other in a bit over 2 years. The hugs I got (and gave ) where epic, and not due to static electricity.  It got me thinking about how many types of hugs there are and how they make you feel: The weird smelling aunt you see once a year at a family function The goodbye hug to a coworker who taught you alot but is now leaving the company The hug from your wife's third cousin's wife when she comes to your wedding and you never saw her before in your life Your partner's hug when you've been away for a long time and you see each other at the airport. The hug you give your mother when your father has passed away.  The hug from the guy with the "Free hugs" placard in the photo.    All of those and many more are pub...

  If the link doesn't work, listen to Bill Withers -Lean on me           Last weekend I've met up with some friends I've known for half my life at this point. Life, children, work have kept us busy so we probably haven't seen each other in a bit over 2 years. The hugs I got (and gave ) where epic, and not due to static electricity.  It got me thinking about how many types of hugs there are and how they make you feel: The weird smelling aunt you see once a year at a family function The goodbye hug to a coworker who taught you alot but is now leaving the company The hug from your wife's third cousin's wife when she comes to your wedding and you never saw her before in your life Your partner's hug when you've been away for a long time and you see each other at the airport. The hug you give your mother when your father has passed away.  The hug from the guy with the "Free hugs" placard in the photo.    All of those and many more are pub...